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24 August 2012 @ 10:32 pm
Okay, so by all rights I should be 600 pounds.  
Case in point, dinner tonight was a large pizza with pepperoni, bacon, and olives.  And a strawberry soda.

Somehow I still have a decent, if slowed, metabolism.  Especially considering I used to do things like get a Sara Lee Pound Cake for a nighttime snack while watching TV.

I'll let that sink in for a moment.

I would eat an ENTIRE SARA LEE POUND CAKE within about an hour.  THE WHOLE THING.  I looked it up tonight, and that clocks in at 320 calories.  320!  A serving, that is.  With four servings in one cake, that totals almost 1300 calories.

Now consider that the average human is only supposed to consume a recommended 2000 calories in a day (since I'm male and 5'10" and ostensibly muscular, we'll add 25 calories to that guideline) and consider that I'd already eaten 3 meals in a day before snacking on the sugar brick, 3 meals that I could in hindsight guarantee weren't comprised entirely of ice cubes and celery.........I SHOULD BE THE SIZE OF A BUICK.

Luckily, I'm full of enough Attention Deficit Disorder -- is that a penny?  SHINY! -- (and, apparently, methamphetamines) that my body processes calories VERY well.  I run around like a gibbon monkey on crack, and sometimes require my trainers to pry me off the ceiling with shocksticks...so maybe my activity level helps me here.  But, God help me if I ever get sidelines with a leg injury and can't run around like a toddler on a Pixy Stix high 24/7.  I'll swell up so much I'll get that Charlie Brown head I used to have, all rooooooooound with eyes on either side of my nose, and a leeeeeeetle bit of hair on my forehead since it's fallen off everywhere else.

Crap.  Now I want pound cake.  Thank God Wal-Mart's open 24/7.